A real fool that gets paid to talk to strangers in the street.

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Thursday, May 27, 2010

Fan Fucking-Part 1


Before I show you the meat of this post, I have to preface it appropriately.  I moved out here to Los Angeles 4.5 months ago with a '94 Acura Vigor, a couple grand, and some dreams.  I had no idea what I was doing.  Somewhere along the lines, I met a girl.  She is a very special girl that has a unique job and a pair of eyes that could have been balls on God’s billiards table.  She is a singer and a very talented one at that.  She’s haut in the face and body regions.  She’s got a great and winning personality, yada-yada-yada.  What do you expect?  I’m Matt McManus.  I’m a plate in a Kobe Beef steak joint; quality finds me somehow.  So, she and I are “friends” on Facebook™ and it says that we are “In a relationship” with each other under our names.  Which feels cool because she’s so hott, and I have love handles. 

But I digress.

So she’s on tour in Europe.  I just went to see her.  It was great.  London smells good, even though it doesn’t.  Punk rock was born there and a lot of things died there.  The food was good.  The people were great.  I drank a lot and explored my romantic side.  It worked out.  She still likes me and it still says we’re in a relationship on Facebook©. 
Check her out, because I want you to know that after all these years, I am doing better than you. 

So we're on Facebook™ together and she’s touring the entirety of Europe singing with a huge pop star, as they embark on a world tour.  Now, my significant other has a magnetism to her.  People are drawn to her so naturally that she makes fans.  They find her on facebook and because she’s gracious, she “friends” them and keeps them up to date on her life on tour.  They get so super excited to talk to her that they ask for my friendship as well.  When this happens, they don’t exactly know what they’re in for because again, I’m Matt McManus.  If you want to get fucked with, I’m not gonna fuck with you, but if you don’t want to get fucked with, I’m gonna fuck with you.  “If you ain’t ever been to McManus, don’t ever come to McManus, so stay the fuck out of McManus.” 

This nice young person from Europe loves the pop star my girlfriend is touring with, therefore he tried to talk to me out of obsession for her.  Yea…I know.

I walk all over this like a bully with a hall pass.  Example:

2:51pmKamel
Hiii my friend!
how are u?
hi
you are here ?

2:51pmMe
yes, butt I'm at work.
can't really talk
what's up?

2:53pmKamel
nothing
and you ?
Ashleigh Haney awesome!!!!!!!!

2:53pmMe
Ashleigh Haney love me

2:53pmKamel
llooooooooolll
Rihanna show with Ashleigh AWESOME!!!!!!asda

2:54pmMe
Rihanna buys me cheeseburgers
all the time

2:54pmKamel
whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttttttttttttttt !
and me? !! ??

2:54pmMe
Rihanna love to buy me food
because I'm a growing boy

2:54pmKamel
send me
lol
lol
i want talk with her

2:55pmMe
She's not allowed to talk because she has to save her voice
she uses sign language like a deaf person
Like hellen Keller

2:56pmKamel
OMG
it's boring !
lol

2:56pmMe
sometimes Rihanna makes me dance

2:56pmKamel
with u ?

2:56pmMe
and Ashleigh throws things at me
like deli meat
things get weird on the road

2:57pmKamel
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
hahahhahaa

2:57pmMe
if you come to America would you paint with me?
if Ashleigh was there
she would make us Tea of course
any tea you want

2:57pmKamel
OMg!!!!!!!!!
it's very BIG DREAM !!

2:58pmMe
and Rihanna would talk to us via satellite

2:58pmKamel
It's my dreams !

2:58pmMe
with sign language of course
and she would be in a spaceship
wearing a david bowie T-shirt

2:59pmKamel
loool
YEsssss
!!!
Omg

2:59pmMe
ok I gotta go

2:59pmKamel
rihanna have face book ?

3:00pmMe
rihanna is one of the owners of facebook
her and Al pacino
the famous actor
and that jewish kid

3:00pmKamel
ok

3:00pmMe
no offense

3:00pmKamel
what  her name on Facebook?

3:01pmMe
It used to be Godplanet4 but I'm not sure what it is now, she changes it at least 11 times a day.
you know the deal.
but I gotta go.
Xoxoxo

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

G Chat W/ Friends

  me: I fly back into NYC a week from this Thursday
 Robert: tits
 me: i have almost no time to spend in NYC
 
 I'm gonna have mid day/maybe happy hour drinks w/ jim
  you in?
  don't tell anyone else
 Robert: yeahdude
 me: I don't wanna hurt feelings.
  but you two are the only ones to know.
 Robert: he and I got blasted last night
 Robert: after we swore off weekday drinking
 
11:13 PM Yeah, I can do happy hour fo shop
  fo sho
 
me: ok
  we'll make it work
11:14 PM I CANT get wasted, and I'll be all kinds of jet lagged.
  but I gotta have my pops
 Robert: We'll just see about that
 me: we're gonna end up popping viagra
11:15 PM and bobbing for apples somewhere
 Robert: OK
  here's the plan
  all three of us
  each pop 2 viagra
  and we all go into a very full playground
  last one to get arrested wins
 me: part II: We buy paste like glue paste and take our shirts off in union square. I throw globs on you, you throw globs on me and jimmy spits calamari on us.
11:17 PM Robert: Whichever one of us does not get mauled to death by pigeons and homeless guyswins a cupcake and a can of tacks
 me: and we have a boombox playing My best friends girl over and over.
  loud.
 Robert: Jesse is a friend
11:18 PM but no friend of mine
  so I banged his chick
  and filmed it on my flip cam
11:19 PM me: Flip Cam Revenge All Stars, with the new album First Time For Everything, with the smash single, "In the Unisex Bathroom Downstairs."