Tuesday, April 27, 2010


Sometimes, once I get into my car an English woman’s voice is heard.  It's my navigation system. I turn the volume up all the way.  It’s pretty loud.  Then I request directions someplace in the Midwest and wait for it to calculate the distance.  Then I get out  and put the navigation system in my trunk. I get back and in the car and I start driving like an idiot around Los Angeles. My trunk is not soundproof,  so Samantha, the English broad, sounds like she’s locked in my trunk.  She tells me to turn around, or that I’m going in the wrong direction, or that I’ve made bad choices with the path I’m taking.

Sometimes I go running around the city in my short shorts.  I imagine I’m training for a boxing movie.  I look at people like I mean business.  I do.  I walk into a random place of business.  Sometimes it’s a hotel, sometimes it s a deli. I wait to see if they either give me the water or not. I don’t say a word and pretend I’m about to die.  I look forward to them saying no so I can give them the finger.  When I leave I usually have to go number two.  So I walk around and sneak into some kind of building through the parking garage and take the elevator upstairs.  I walk in like I work there and wave at someone find a bathroom with a window.  It has to have a window.  I do my business because I’m a businessman. Like a businessman, I wash my hands, and walk the fuck out. This is all part of the boxing movie.

Sometimes I cheer on a sandwich that I’m eating like it’s my favorite actor in an action movie. I literally pump my fists in the air and kick the seat in front of me.

I can’t walk past my reflection and not look. This happens in public usually. Doesn’t matter if it’s a bus window, a storefront, or puddle. It’s not because I’m vein, but because I’m just checking to see if the
amount of cheese I consumed the night prior is giving me back my double chin.

I go on Facebook and click as many "Like" buttons as I can not because I like what you're doing, but because I want to attach my name to your life as many times as I can.