A real fool that gets paid to talk to strangers in the street.


Thursday, February 18, 2010

Going to Hawaii and that Famous Place in Europe

me: you better a) get fingered, and b) finger.
4:01 PM Robert: a)Way ahead of you and b)WAY ahead of you
  I fingered her before she even took her coat off
 me: God is real.
  and he wants you to finger.
4:02 PM Robert: that's what the Sistine chapel is about
  God yearning for mutual fingering

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

G Chat w/ Melissa:

melissa: lol
  silly matt
  fly me out to design your logo
  i have a bf
  a very cute one
  i lurve him

4:37 PM me: does he have a big...
4:39 PM melissa: he's great
  and perfect in everyway
 me: small penis.

A-Hole Anonymous

I had just stepped out of the shower this morning and i was toweling myself off when a huge fart began rushing towards my asshole.  As usual, I pushed it out to make the biggest noise possible and what it sounded like was plastic cracking combined with the sound of something being dropped into still water. I thought for sure that my wife, who was sitting in the living room with the TV on, would yell at me through the closed door that I was behind because it was so heinously loud.  I immediately checked my asshole with my bare hand because I was alarmed...

...after I cleaned the shit off of my hand, I sat down on the toilet to wipe myself - that's when I noticed the small spray of shit that made it's way onto the bath mat outside of the shower on the floor.  I sat there wiping my ass and then had to go retrieve a wash cloth so I could soap it up and scrub out the shit smell from the mat.

It was my first of what I am predicting will be 4 to 6 sharts in 2010.

If you're going to add this to your blog, please do so anonymously.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Last night I wrote a song about my childhood and how I found safety and solace in sandwiches.  It's called:

Mom and Dad I Found the Love you Didn't have For Each Other in Sandwiches

And All I love
Is all I see
I found my love
In deli meat

With Screams in the attic
and blood on the lawn
I found a way to carry on

It's Sandwiches
W/ bread and cheese
W/ chips on the side?
Yes please.

The world can be crazy
From day to day
Eat this sandwich
You'll be ok

Broil that Sandwich
And heat up that meat
Melting that cheese
and you're back on your feet

Tuesday, February 9, 2010


When I first started this blog I vowed to never put videos up.  This is a literary blog, with taste and integrity.  With all do respect to my former self, go fuck yourself.  This video is fucking awesome.


Monday, February 8, 2010

I was just thinking about this.  I know it's weird.  Whatever.  I think it would be weird if a group of people, let's say they're hippies.  Let's say 132 hippies just to get specific.  132 hippies are hanging out in an open field somewhere in the northeast.  Let's say New Hampshire, to be specific, and it's August.  What if they only ate asparagus for three days straight?  No big deal, right?  It's healthy.

But here's the thing I was thinking about.

What if they tied you down and urinated all over you?  Could you deal with that?  I'm not sure I could.  That smell...well, it's something else.  That's for sure.  I lived with a hippy for four years.  He never paid his bills on time and he liked hairy chicks, but he never pissed on me.  If he did, and he got a 131 of his friends to do the same, and it was asparagus pee...I would freak out.

I would make death.
2:31 PM me: Hood Niggas.
2:32 PM me: ha
  this is awesome.
2:33 PM Robert: Right??
 me: did I randomly just write hood niggas to you and you had that to send to me?
 Robert: Yep
 me: wow.
 Robert: We're racially cycling together

5 minutes
2:39 PM me: I really may come find you at the airport on your layover in LA,
  and do three shots of jack.
 Robert: Dude
 me: and then you can punch me in the face.
  and I'll leave.
 Robert: I will be so doped up on Ambien
  that I will be entertaining
2:40 PM I turn into a real snarky dick to strangers when I'm super groggy and forced to walk around
 me:i would pay to see that
 Robert: It'll cost you a cab ride to the airport
 me: http://www.freewebs.com/gionam/rufio.jpgRobert: Exactly like that.

Pooping w/ Al Pacino

My roommate went to a party yesterday for the Superbowl.  She got picked up in a Bugati.  She was driven to Beverly Hills, To Al Pacino's old house.  Penny Marshal, Billy Corigan, and many other random celebs were there.  End result?  She obtained a professional massage in Pacino's old bedroom.
She pooped there.  Everything before the pooping is trivial and arbitrary.  The pooping made it real, and that's what we're trying to do here people, keep it real.

Pooping in the same toilet as Al Pacino gains you entrance to heaven.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

G Chat w/ Jimmy

 James: Her face looks like a recycled magazinethat ended up as the cup holder in a Mcdonalds
4:16 PM me: her face is the center console in a 95 Caravan.
4:17 PM James: her face is the basketball in your friends garage that is just flat enough that you cant use it to play
4:18 PM me:her face is Ros Perot's dick.
4:19 PM James: Simply put: Her face is an ashtray


You guys in LA with fake leather jackets, fedoras, and long hair.  Can you hear me?  I have something to say to you and your unkempt demeanor and lack of style because you are a poser of something you can't even understand, because you're:


Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Urban Dictionary, My Name:

1. matty  

the bestest guy in the world, hard to find, one of a kind
"i wish i could find a guy like matty"

bestest guy friend you could have, funnayy, cute, totally fun to be around
but can also be a horny beast
Let's go to the movies with matty! That would be so much fun!

Matty, lets not have sex tonight, please.

the name of a person who is an absolute mad cunt
matty your such a mad cunt, why are you so cool, your my hero man i wish to be as buff as you one day

Roof Surfing in Late October.

Whatever this woman is doing, it represents what's going on in my head, and around me all the time. 
Currently listening to Metric's new CD.
Currently drinking gay tea with brandy in it.
Currently eating Homemade chili.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Mustach, Waterfall, Sandwich. WTF!@!#!!@!@?


Fucking Camp

2:01 PM give her a butt pat for me
  not like a sensual one
  just more of a "good game" one
  tell her it's from me
  and hand her a twizzler
 me: going on the blog.
 Robert: Fan-tastic
2:02 PM 
 me: I'm gonna get a book deal and owe you money.
 Robert: I wanna go to camp
 me: I went
  when I was a kid
 Robert: I wanna see just one of those ads be real about it
  just one
 me: and everyone, including myself, got fingered.
 Robert: "I went to camp.... and it destroyed my self-esteem so badly, I got an eating disorder"
2:04 PM "I went to camp.... and everyone laughed at me when I opened up to them about getting molested"
2:05 PM me: "I went to camp, twice, because I told my mom I had a good time the first year because it was expensive, and we were broke, but really, every day they would lock me in a bathroom and scream, "Smelly Kelly Pussy" at me.
  did we go to the same camp?