Sunday, January 24, 2010

The Jesus Sneaker

When I was a kid I liked going to department stores.  I liked going
and seeing the new clothes.  I liked hiding in the clothing racks and
having my mother try to find me.  What I liked Most of all though I
liked feeling up the mannequins.  Yes, I like touching the hard
plaster mold of a woman's breast, both actually.  Most mannequins had
the same size breast, but every once in a while a fake person would
come around with an abnormally sized bust.  I searched Macy's, J.C.
Penny's, and Sterns every Sunday to look for them, because touching
something average over and over doesn't ad up to above average.  Above
average is above average.  I would seek out mannequins in department
stores with the largest fake, plaster chests.

That behavior was a foreshadowing of my adolescent/young adulthood
exploits.  Columbus really wanted to find India, which is the truth.
He didn't.  Instead he found America.  Still though he wanted to find
something pretty badly.  In that sense I wanted, and still want to
find something badly, so badly that I practiced on fake people in
broad daylight as a seven year old lad.

I like big breasts, perky big breasts that have attitude.  The kind of
breasts that once exposed you would expect them to say something fresh
to you like, "Grab me a freakin beer," or, "I need to be touched and
you need to shut up."  That's just me, and you never know what you're
going to get.

The wondrous part about the whole thing is that they are all different
from each other.  In an explorers conquest he never knows what he's
looking for will look like, or feel like.  The same goes for breasts.
That is why my own personal crusades are so enticing to me.  I search
for change.  Just like everyone else does.  Some people put new
wallpaper in their bathroom.  Some people plant new kinds of bulbs
along side their driveway.  Some people get divorced.  These are all
things that promote some level of change.  I Sirs, look for change in
the street, in a cab, on a mountain, at a funeral, in Baghdad, with my
grandparents, and on the Internet.  My change manifests itself in a
new pair of cups.  That is why I'm living today.

Obama talks about the same kind of change.  He is a promoter of
change.  The, "Change you can believe in," and I trust that.  What I'm
saying is There is another kind of change you can believe in, and it
starts in a Victoria Secrets dressing room and moves it's way into the
Genovese by your apartment.  That change comes Jiggling, smirking, and
wanting.  That change is mammary’s.

Please trust in them.

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